Tuesday Mewsday: Ready for Their Close-Ups

In response to a bidding war between Steven Spielberg and Ron Howard for the rights to their life stories, Melissa and I have been considering appropriate casting of actors to portray the cats. Here’s what we have so far.

Archy:

We’ve had no problem thinking of actors suited to playing Archy. The only problem is that they’re all dead, so they may not be current on their SAG dues. Archy feels that Rudolph Valentino would do him justice and could capture the seductive charms he so devastatingly employs on throw pillows. Melissa and I (with a different perspective on his—ahem!—pillow-wooing) feel Maurice Chevalier might be more appropriate.

Beatrice:

Yes, she’s beautiful (and affectionate in her own let-me-keep-you-at-a-healthy-distance sort of way). But she’s also skittish, vengeful, and difficult. We know the perfect actor: Christina Ricci.

Maggie:

No doubt about it: given her woozle-y ways Maggie simply must be played by Queen Latifah. Who else could do her justice?

Damian:

Once you’ve seen him in action, you know there’s only one actor who can capture the energy, the intensity, the ridiculosity that is Damian. We’re holding out for Will Ferrell, and will settle for no-one else.

Penny:

Finding the right actress to portray Penny may be challenging as she’s such a complex personality. With people, she’s tender-hearted and cautious, but goes all lovey-mushy once she decides there’s no threat. With other cats—well, as far as she’s concerned, the threat never goes away. She’s ever-vigilant, alternating between cowering beneath furniture and near pyrotechnic displays of the ancient (and deadly and noisy) art of opera-fu. Having given the matter careful consideration, we’re pretty sure recent Oscar-winner Tilda Swinton is up to the task.

Sparky:

This calls for an actor with range. Yes, he needs a pretty face, but he also needs to be able to portray everything from leonine repose to why-would-the-neighbors-get-a-kitten-when-they-have-me-to-entertain? uncertainty. We know just the actor. He’s played a caveman, an archaeologist/adventurer, a hunky gardener, a 1950s naif, a district attorney, and more. Our candidate? Brendan Fraser.

Who know what our lives will be like once filming is underway? We’ll be overwhelmed by stylists and entourages and relaxation specialists and specialty chefs who know a thousand ways to grill a goldfish. But if Sam Lutfi comes knocking? We’re not opening the door.